woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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