you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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