PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
