Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
