Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
