Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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