Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
