you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
