my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
