Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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