Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
