Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
