he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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