He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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