He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
sex in a hospital.. check
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
