Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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