When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
All I want is dick and wine.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
