my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
