I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
