Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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