I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
