Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
