I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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