apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
