the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
