If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
