forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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