Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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