If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
