im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
