I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
this hospital has no fireball
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
