The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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