dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
