he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
