1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
