My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
