After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
