Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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