you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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