people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You had me at "let me see your balls"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
