Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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