nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Randomize
