Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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