guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
