So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
