i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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