Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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