Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
