Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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