I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Someone signed my nipple.
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