just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
