so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
