your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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