can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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